Many of you have been reading and responding to my ongoing threads here. So, the final update on my love life is, well, pretty fucked. My ex-HR supervisor, friend, and potential love interest, has pretty much abandoned me. My friends at work who are still in touch with her confirmed she is actually working again as an escort. There is nothing wrong with that but she seems to be more concerned with that then actually having a life. If I had made a move faster, in October, she was in full "I need married and kids, now!" mode. I waited too long.

This, however, injures me greatly. My best friend, who is a woman, mother of 2, says I need to try to get with girls. She also says that when I least expect it, love will find me. I find this last statement to be a lie as I am almost 29 and have never had any love find me. Eventually I develop feelings for someone, I express how I feel, rather politely, get told I'm a nice guy, or too smart and deserve someone better. Then other people tell me I need to lower my standards, stop trying to find the 10 out of 10 girl.

So I did just that, my friend, the HR supervisor, she's no 10 out of 10, she's a 5 at best (physically). But it's not all about that. I need an artistic girl, someone who can draw or paint, like I do. That artistic energy, I need it, I have to feed off it, without it, a girl will never stimulate me to the fullest and I will lose interest. My friend, she is very artistic. So there's that. She's one of only a few women I know of who have any artistic talent. I also need a good personality, someone who is funny and talks a lot, like me. That was met in this girl. I also thought she liked me, she said she did, but now she's saying after her break up, she doesn't want to date at all, and I quote "just wants to suck dick."

I don't trust people easily and at my age and what I've gone through, I feel that the only real option is to quit on women altogether. Everything I do fails. I'm either "too nice" or something superficial like that. I have come to believe there is something seriously, fundamentally wrong with me. Not to mention, all the women I go for are mentally unstable or at the very least, were horribly abused. The first girl I ever liked, I enslaved myself to her. She had her boyfriends, she had me, I was just someone to play with, nothing more. She had borderline personality disorder and eventually tried to physically injure me, rather severely. So that event turned me into a shut in.

The next girl...my best friend, is horribly abused by her boyfriend. Then the current girl, horribly, horribly abused and I'm beginning to think she has borderline personality disorder for all the flip flopping she does. We made plans on December 26th to get pizza and watch Frozen, totally never came over or returned my call. She told me she missed me two days earlier, also promised me anything, anything for my birthday in April. Also said she'd come to my cousin's vigil this Friday. I haven't talked to her since. I haven't tried to mind you, I'm trying the "distance will make you like me more because you're an irrational woman who can't make up their mind on anything."

See, there's that. All this is making me really HATE women. My therapist (who is a woman and the only female therapist I've ever had that is a mother) says I'm full of shit and that I worship women and respect them too much and that my reaction is just raw anger. Is it though? I feel cheated every single fucking time. I have no exposure to people either. Only work. There's a new girl we hired, I kinda like her, but she's like, 18. Fuck that, that's just...weird. I mean, don't get me wrong, IF she liked me, I would settle for her.

I have begun to theorize that no one will ever love or care for me the way I will for them. That makes me feel like it isn't worth it at all, to even be nice to people. From the get go, no one will ever be what I want them to be...so why even treat people with respect? Or common decency? I know plenty of vile dicks who just bully their way through life and have no repercussions (see my best friend's boyfriend for details there). There is no karma, the wicked go unpunished, the good die young, and the kind are used.

This shit all makes me want to start doing drugs or something. Art, writing, video games, running, work, that's all I do. The same tasks, over and over, sometimes even my own drawings feel like they're betraying me. What do I do? My friend from work, who is actually apparently quite concerned about me, said I can't close my heart off to people or I will never meet that girl. But, if my theory is correct, there is no girl to meet. So...what do I do?

Does this sound familiar to any of you guys? How do I rationalize my failures, live with them, and move on in a healthy way? Is that even possible? Please, some guidance.

Thank you for your time.

First of all, don't start that drug shit. I repeat, don't do drugs.

Second of all, be a friend for the abused girls, but don't try to be intimate with them.

Speaking from experience, i was heavily into video games but I found them very easy to give up when the right woman came along.

I can't help but say based on all your posts that you seem extremely insecure and that likely shows to any potential mate. You've mentioned how some of these girls and you have fooled around and that's fine with you. Well fooling around isn't love which is what you seem to seek in your other posts. You have to decide what you want...sex or a real relationship and once you make that choice pursue that....

(January 1, 2017, 11:23 pm)BelliusMaximus First of all, don't start that drug shit. I repeat, don't do drugs.

Second of all, be a friend for the abused girls, but don't try to be intimate with them.

Speaking from experience, i was heavily into video games but I found them very easy to give up when the right woman came along.

I can't help but say based on all your posts that you seem extremely insecure and that likely shows to any potential mate. You've mentioned how some of these girls and you have fooled around and that's fine with you. Well fooling around isn't love which is what you seem to seek in your other posts. You have to decide what you want...sex or a real relationship and once you make that choice pursue that....

The fooling around part only came from the first girl, who used me. She wanted to fool around, I wanted more, she had boyfriends. I haven't been close to a girl like, that, physically close, in years. Save for one time. And yes, I am very insecure. I have no reason to be secure. Everything I do ends in failure. The only thing I'm secure in is my intelligence, my paramount academic standing, and my art. And my sense of humor, but that's just me.

I just don't think the right woman will ever come along. At least not anymore. I am extremely pessimistic but that might come from me being a historian. I know all of humanity's evils and darkest deeds. That's why I have a good sense of humor. If I can't laugh about my own abuse, then I have to actually face it and who wants to do that. That's why I got into history, the horror is just so real and thus, you either accept that humanity is evil or you laugh at it.

And yes, if I seem, selfish, it's because I am. I am tired of "trying to fix girls" as my friends say. I am tired of sympathizing with others. I am tired making promises and seeing them through while others do not. In actuality, that seems more like a female thing to me. Promises that are never fulfilled. My male friends don't have this problem. I don't have many male friends though, come to think of it. I can name...4. I can name about 6-8 female friends.

After all, I am the prettiest girl at my work. Everyone knows it lol.

But back to your statement, I have to choose a real relationship? That's what I'm trying to do. I chose my ex-HR supervisor and I want to force it. Because I am angry and sick of jumping through hoops. Does that make me wrong? Does that make me evil? Or am I simply just letting my insecurity/anger get the better of me?

I'm a deeply religious man and I find it very...disturbing to see these things happen to me and to others as it only reminds me that God hates us or is evil. Men get away with raping their nieces and lighting them on fire, no jail time. Men get away with beating their pregnant girlfriend and doing heroin, but no punishment. Girl tries to stab a dude to death with scissors, gets no punishment. I try to be nice and do things honorably and gentlemen like, get told I'm too nice or something flaccid like that.

I honestly think I might be losing it. I feel...extremely hostile. My manager actually gave me this week off because she thinks I need some time away. I actually thanked her as I was going to ask for time off.

I was about 29 when I met my wife and I was in the same situation as you are in right this minute. I loved playing video games and was into writing stories. I had dealt with a few women who had been in abusive relationships and thought I could help them out and they always stayed with the idiots or pursued other idiots. I suffered from confidence issues and pretty much stopped looking, resigned to the fact I would live my life alone.

Someone introduced the two of us and it was immediate. Because she's the right one for me.

If you're feeling anger and frustration because of all this that's going to reflect in your personality. I'm no therapist but I do know you have to know who YOU are before you can ever try to make it work with someone else.

Also if you're a deeply religious man there has to be others in your religion that are seeking someone of the faith.

I felt the same way at times during my love life (I am single now). Women didn't feel the way I did about them, I was too serious, they just wanted to have fun, etc. I had to learn to get over it, suck it up, and move on.

In my opinion, you either need to up the amount of times you see your therapist, or find a new and better therapist. I've read your posts and you just seem to have way too much anxiety about...everything I guess, especially your love life.

My advice is this. Don't give up on women and don't give them such a hard time. There are nice girls out there, there really are, it's just entirely possible that you've had bad luck finding those girls. How to find those girls is another story, but I truly believe that we don't choose the person that we fall in love with, it's supposed to happen naturally. So just roll with it...also, it sounds to me like you have some serious trust issues with girls...work on that before you start working on a relationship.

Another thing, take a break...seriously, take a break from trying to find a girlfriend. Focus on yourself. Try to learn to love yourself and trust yourself so that others can learn to trust and love you better too. Try to stop being so negative all the time too, have a positive outlook...it'll do wonders.

(January 2, 2017, 12:42 am)BelliusMaximus Also if you're a deeply religious man there has to be others in your religion that are seeking someone of the faith.

That is a huge issue. I cannot find a single good dating website for Orthodox Christians. I am technically Byzantine Catholic, so technically, I am part of the bigger Catholic Church but I am not Roman and I actually vehemently hate the Roman mass. I just don't like it, it is not for me. Has nothing to do with the theology mind you. Actually, probably the thing I hate most is that fucking handshake of peace. Fuck that. Stop spreading germs.

Back to the point...so, I'm Eastern Catholic, not Eastern Orthodox. Normal Orthodox hate us, call us "Uniates", a slur. The local Greek Orthodox won't even have relations with our religious authority. At least the Russians are friendly. And since you know where I live...vice versa, you need to look no further than Oakland to see those issues. And I am only Byzantine Catholic as oppose to straight up Russian Orthodox because 1 ) my gram was Catholic and didn't want the family split, and 2 ) the closest Eastern church to me is Byzantine Catholic. The closest Russian one is like 20 minutes away.

So I don't know how to meet women in the community, not to mention, slightly a closed community. My one coworker is actually born and raised Byzantine, and he's ethnically correct, he's not a convert. He even says "yeah, we generally just marry some girl from church that we grow up with, no real outside exposure." Great for me! My priest, whom I love, when he first met me, he saw my last name and saw I was Italian and suggested the local Roman church and I said nope, not for me, I will stick it out here. He didn't believe me. Showed him lol.

But...my anger, I try to so hard to hold it back. I try so hard to be confident, to not beg, to seem weak, or desperate. I just feel so defeated. Like, my academic career flopped due to lack of money, my personal life is a joke, the only two things going for me I feel are my drawings and my stories.

(January 2, 2017, 1:26 am)HappyHats002 I felt the same way at times during my love life (I am single now). Women didn't feel the way I did about them, I was too serious, they just wanted to have fun, etc. I had to learn to get over it, suck it up, and move on.

In my opinion, you either need to up the amount of times you see your therapist, or find a new and better therapist. I've read your posts and you just seem to have way too much anxiety about...everything I guess, especially your love life.

My advice is this. Don't give up on women and don't give them such a hard time. There are nice girls out there, there really are, it's just entirely possible that you've had bad luck finding those girls. How to find those girls is another story, but I truly believe that we don't choose the person that we fall in love with, it's supposed to happen naturally. So just roll with it...also, it sounds to me like you have some serious trust issues with girls...work on that before you start working on a relationship.

Another thing, take a break...seriously, take a break from trying to find a girlfriend. Focus on yourself. Try to learn to love yourself and trust yourself so that others can learn to trust and love you better too. Try to stop being so negative all the time too, have a positive outlook...it'll do wonders.

See, that's another thing. I do love myself, I think very highly of myself. My arrogance at work is well known, plus when I was at school. I had the merit to back that shit up too.

And I gave up on women years ago and stopped trying to find them. Then this girl came into my life around August and I struggled with my decision to attempt to try anything with her. And my trust issues are trust issues in general. I trust women way more than men, simply because of my dad. That's nothing we're going to talk about here lol.

And I do have a really good therapist, I will have to bring this up with her though. It's been so fucking hard to get an appointment the past 2 months because I work at Toys R Us and well, that fucking butchered holiday we just had...

But..anxiety. Anxiety has broken me down lately. It has actually caused physical damage to me. I threw up 5 times at work one night just from seeing the long lines. Didn't help that I knew I had a 10 hour shift, I worked till 3am that night. I had to go home and get a shower and clean clothes. It was disgraceful. The night before, I walked out with my HR supervisor. I followed her because I wanted her. Not to mention, the 10 hour shift and the sheer hatred I have for those long night shifts. To be perfectly honest, I hate, hate, hate the 5 to 3am shift. I get up at like noon at the latest and just dread going in and have hours to myself, allowing anxiety to chew away at my organs.

Worst I ever had it was a shift till 4am and then had to be back by 10am. But another thing, everyone at work is warning me to avoid our ex-HR supervisor. My assistant manager put it like this "you (that is me) am a recovering drug addict who has been clean and is in programs. She is a drug addict who you have feelings for. You foolishly assume you can hang with her and pursue her without doing drugs with her. You will fail." He meant that as I am in therapy and doing a very good job of keeping my life together and not being a shut in anymore. She..is out whoring around, ignoring her medication, and avoiding therapy. I honestly thought I might be hallucinating again with how she's been to me some days. Like, afraid I'm hallucinating something and being mean to her and not remembering it. Turns out she's just insane.

And Christ, that's a fucking turn on. If she was pregnant, I'd be even more possessed by her lmao.

So you're turned on by insane women? I can't help you on that one.

(January 2, 2017, 1:59 am)BelliusMaximus So you're turned on by insane women? I can't help you on that one.

I wouldn't say turned on but it seems to be a running gag with me now. It's not intentional but every girl I have any ounce of caring for seems to be bonkers.