Hello everyone, 

I've gone back and forth trying to decide if I really wanted to post this here. Deciding that I want to divorce my wife was actually something that's been on my mind for a while, but I never thought I would act on it. 

I've never gone through a divorce before and don't really have friends to secretly discuss this with. I know there's some smart, caring folks here, so I'd really appreciate any thoughts or advice if you're experienced in this area. 

Here's the situation/story on how our marriage fell apart. Kinda long, sorry.

My wife (who we'll call Katelyn) and I have been married for about 7 years. Previously, we dated in high school, separated when I was in college, then got back together again after a few years. 

I was very excited when I first started dating Katelyn (very cute, very attractive). It was about a month or so in that I started to learn about her personal life and why she was so miserable all the time. 

She complained. A lot. And sometimes with merit. In these days, a lot of her stress came from her seemingly psychotic parents, childhood past, and being an illegal immigrant (brought over as a baby). Day to day at school, she was kind of always depressed. If you're like me, you do what you can to try and make them feel better. To no success, though. Me trying to problem solve often led to her explaining why nothing would work. Whether or not her problems were legit, or she just liked complaining for the attention, or both, it became a blurred mess. Any time we would go out with friends, Katelyn would always hijack the conversation to bombard us on how miserable her life was. 

After a while, she started to become comfortable with verbally taking her frustrations out on me. Being around her was unbearable at times as she often would speak to me very condescendingly. After about a year of dating her, I've heard all of her complaints. Nothing new. I eventually became numb to it. Now, I can perfectly understand if I become the asshole at this point in the story. 

I found it really hard to care about her problems. She couldn't ever be happy, be chill, be okay, even though there would be plenty of times she'd be laughing with her friends and going out with them. If there was ever some resolution to any of her problems, two more took its place, it seemed. The hydra of problems. Nonetheless, I always made an effort to cheer her up and try to work with her through her problems. Katelyn often made me feel awful about myself while she took her frustrations out on me. We fought often, I don't even remember what about anymore. I joked with myself that women had a "time of the month" but Katelyn had a time of the week. 

I began to see her as this emotional black hole. Any time I was around her, I was also miserable whether or not she had actually said anything to me to make me feel that way. Many times while walking home from her house, I thought about breaking up with her. I was too chicken shit to do it, though. 

One day during my first year of college, I had enough. I don't remember exactly, but she did/said something to me and I didn't talk to her for a straight week. 

This prompted her to break up with me over the phone. 

I didn't cry. There was no emotion. I genuinely did not care. She had made me feel so bad about myself over the years. It took me a while to start appreciating the fact that I was free and didn't have to care and worry about her anymore.

Over the next few years, Katelyn had invited me out to hang out with her and her friends and chatted with me online. Seems I was still important in her life.

Not long after I got out of a relationship with another girl, Katelyn asked me out on a date. 

And I agreed because I was a desperate idiot who couldn't realize his own value. 

From there, Katelyn convinced me that we should move in together, get married, buy a house, buy a new car, and have a kid. 

I did all of these things with her. 

All of the problems we had before still exist. Probably even worse now. She still complains every moment of the day about something or other (if by chance there is nothing to complain about, she'll find something on the news to complain about!)

We have nothing in common. There's no chemistry. We listen to different music, watch different shows, I'm a gamer and she's not, I love craft beer and she doesn't drink. We don't share religious views (I'm an atheist, and she's "spiritual"). I can't even be friends with her just through the sheer lack of mutual interests. I’ve actually written and recorded a song about her. And I told her about it. She hasn’t cared to listen to it. Because she doesn’t care about my passions. 

Katelyn is also very arrogant. She can never be wrong. She thinks appeals to emotion and tu quoques are good arguments. While in my office at work she overheard one of my students talking about Japan and what life is like there. Katelyn proceeded to tell me that THAT was wrong in the typical fashion that she does. This particular student is my foreign exchange student from Japan who is graduating this year. Upon hearing this, Katelyn dismissed this information and refused to accept that she was incorrect. Katelyn never apologizes and never admits when she's wrong when she clearly is. 

And now the last nail on the coffin: I don't find her attractive anymore. If I could pick her one biggest complaint, it's that we don't have sex anymore. I can't. The way she talks down to me, the nagging, the arrogance, not being able to relate to her on any level. I bought pills because she doesn't make me hard. She doesn't initiate anyways, so I don't actually tell her no. She expects that I always want it. She wants the ability to say no; to deny sex with her partner. She has no power here.

Whenever the topic even vaguely comes up, she will never pass up the opportunity to shame me for not having sex with her or make passive aggressive comments implying the same. She expects me to have sex with her when I don't want to (is there a word for that?)

I shared my pregnancy fetish with her (she desperately needed to know what turns me on) and she weaponized that information against me, rationalizing that I wouldn't have sex with her unless she, herself, was pregnant. When she actually was pregnant, she admitted to denying me sex to spite me. Before I knew this, I respected her decision and didn’t complain. I still don’t complain about it because fulfilling my sexual fantasies isn’t ever my first priority (as I’m typing this into a fetish forum).

I know I'm not the greatest husband in the world. I actively avoid house chores and prefer solitude most of the time. But I've done so much for her regardless. I pay the vast majority of our shared bills every month and she's always short on her own bills and I always make sure they're always paid. She's taken a couple of personal loans that she immediately realized she can't afford, so now payments for those are taken directly from my own bank account. I've also shelled out thousands of dollars toward her immigration/attorney fees. Even right now, I'm applying for a loan on my 403b for 6k so she can pay her immigration attorney. I got her a job at the school I teach at. I never wanted kids but had one with her anyways. 

She regularly has a frustrated attitude towards our daughter (3 years old) and has zero patience in dealing with how she raised her to be. On several occasions, she started yelling and slamming doors late at night instead of asking me to help put her to sleep (thinking I was intentionally not helping but I was asleep and woke up to the noise Katelyn was making). Honestly, I think I now enjoy being a parent more than she does. Funny how that works out. She wants more kids by the way for some reason. 

To get an idea of the dynamic of our daily life, imagine you're working a job where your boss is constantly breathing down your neck. Whenever you fuck up (which is every moment of every day) your boss comes down on you. That's what it's like for me whenever we're at home together. Constantly on edge that I might say or do something to set her off. I look forward to when I have days at home by myself with my daughter. Actually, I like even being at either of my jobs as it means I don't have to be around her. Katelyn has no chill. She's always mad for x number of reasons and I am never at peace when she is physically present around me. 

When she's not constantly guilt-tripping me on all of my shortcomings, it just feels like she's silently judging me. I avoid conversation with her in the off chance I might say something that's going to trigger her. Which then, of course, triggers her because I'm too quiet. 

I've decided to divorce her after the end of the school year (about the first week of June). More or less, we both need people who better suit our needs. Actually, I'd be completely happy if I end up single for the rest of my life. I just can't live like this anymore. 

I realize she's going to struggle a lot financially. I'm the primary "breadwinner" even though we both work two jobs. She isn't great at staying on top of her personal finances which has affected my own finances. She regularly gets hit with insufficient fund fees and her credit is awful. The house and the vehicles are all under my name alone and I know typically the woman gets at least half of everything in a divorce (I guess depending which state you live in?). I have no idea if any of that changes while she is still in the process of obtaining her citizenship. If anyone reading this specializes in this area, I'd certainly love to hear your input. 

And, yes, I realize how much of a dick move it is to divorce her during this process since being married to a US citizen helps in these cases. I'm allowing myself to be okay with this because she actually threatened to divorce me 2-3 times already throughout our marriage. This is a crappy time to go through a divorce (is there exactly a good time?). But this can't go on. It's unfair to both of us. I don't want to be a nervous, anxious wreck just being around her, and she should be with someone who actually wants to be intimate with her (provided she doesn't treat them the same as me).

I honestly could have prevented all of this. I really wasn't sure if I wanted to get back together after college. But, back then, I was very unconfident in myself. I struggled a lot with finding female companionship and eventually came to believe that I am generally just plain unattractive. So, I guess seeing my ex come back to me sort of boosted my confidence. And now I realize that this is a terrible reason to get back into a relationship with someone. If it weren't for my daughter, I'd say I'd completely regret that decision. 

I figured when school is done for the year, I'll send my daughter to daycare and then take Katelyn out for one last lunch date. By this time, I'd already given her the attorney money. After coming home from lunch, I'll do the thing.

Actually, I'm now thinking about not giving her the money. I'm typing this over the course of a few days and today she had another serious talk with me- unloading all her emotions and problems on me. It started with our daughter making a mess in our closet last night, mixing our clean clothes with the dirty clothes, and then steering the conversation (monologue) into how unhelpful I am (daughter and I were asleep but daughter woke up later because Katelyn stays up late every night).

I thought she was going to threaten to divorce me again (at this point, I just would have said okay), but instead brought up her immigration situation. She pointed out that I still haven't gotten it for her (the paperwork for the loan requires a certain signature from my employer and the folks in the district office have no idea who is supposed to sign it. I even showed her the email thread of them fumbling the question back and forth to each other). But still, as you might imagine, it's entirely my fault.

It was about a 30 minute conversation of her expelling all her anxieties and frustrations. If it were anyone else, I would certainly care and try to help. The one thing I said in support, she immediately overruled it with, "I can't, I'm just so overwhelmed." And just continued like I didn't even say anything. So, I just continued to not say anything. It's not worth it. She doesn't care for my input. She just wants to complain and feel justified.

I feel like I'm a real jerk here, but she's taken advantage of my kindness, my patience, and my good nature for far too long. 

At some point, we'll have to discuss living situations and custody of our daughter. I'm guessing she will either move in with her parents or her only main friend. 

I know once I divorce her, I'm not sure I'm going to be able to afford my bills without her income. Assuming she doesn't take any of my things (she probably will), I'll have to forfeit one of the cars (if the dealership lets me), maybe refinance the other vehicle, and take Katelyn off all of my insurances and cellular plan. Maybe then I might be able to get by without her income if I'm lucky. She has said in the past (years ago) that she wouldn't come for any of my stuff if we were to split, but I honestly don't know if that's still the case (no pun intended). I know for a fact she would not be able to afford a divorce attorney (if that means anything).

We’ll have to see what happens.

Okay, I think I’m done. I could honestly go on about why she frustrates me and give more examples, but I think I made my point.

What do you think? 

Should I go through with it? Should I still give her the money for her immigration stuff? 

Thanks for reading.




R'lyeh

It sounds like you've been having problems with her since day one and have no sign of improvements. She's using her past issues with her parents and immigration status as an excuse to emotionally abuse you. At this point, you're a financial punching bag for her to rant and pour all of her problems on.

Just bit the bullet and divorce her. Since she's always threatned to divorce you, go through with it and it'll either shock her back to reality or have you free from her and you can find someone else.

If you were someone I knew personally, I would suggest counseling, but it doesn't sound like their is a salvagable relationship here, too many irreconcilable differences. I'm sorry this has happened and it really sucks your kid has to go through it. I sincerely hope all 3 of you find the peace you deserve.

It seems like you've already made up your mind.

At this point you should be focusing on doing what is best for your daughter. She's just a toddler now, but how will this relationship dynamic impact her as she gets older? Keep in mind that citizenship status isn't directly factored when determining child custody.

As a parent, I would say have as much documentation as you can and push for primary or sole custody because it sounds like you're the far more capable parent. I was in a relationship with someone your wife is reminding me of extremely well and will offer you this: don't keep her behavior a secret. She WILL attempt to run you through the mud if she is anything like my ex and your silence might make people more likely to believe her at face value because "she spoke out first," which was the exact explanation I got when I lost several friends over a vindictive woman. Stack as many receipts as you can and be prepared to defend your name. I learned the hard way not to trust on good faith that someone would be go through a similar process amicably.

I'm sorry for what you've had to go through. What lies ahead is going to be extremely difficult. Untangling financial shit is an overly-complicated anxiety-ridden mess, but you've got to if you expect to get your life back and have a shot at happiness. Neither she nor her happiness is your responsibility; you're responsible purely for yourself and your daughter.

Normally I have a lot to say and I like to help with probing questions and stuff, but you've already done the hard work. You've made up your mind and the wheels are turning. I would simply say, "carry on."

P.S. Don't get legally married again - all risk and no reward!

First of all, so sorry to read about all of that. I don't think I can offer anything that wasn't already stated above but documenting everything financially seems like a good move. If you decide to go through with it, mediation is a cheaper alternative to getting lawyers involved. Hopefully "Katelyn" will agree to that since it sounds like she doesn't have as much money as you do, and theoretically would be even more motivated to save money? Also, at the risk of sounding judgmental, I'm guessing you don't have a whole lot of people you'd consider a support system, or else you wouldn't be posing this question here? I'd recommend looking for a therapist for yourself, to have someone to talk to and unburden yourself for what you've been holding onto for what seems like years (decades?). Or try looking for a support group for individuals going through a divorce. It can be tremendously therapeutic to be able to not only share one's pain but hear stories from others to know that you're not alone in what you're going through. I wish you the best of luck.

(May 15, 2022, 9:48 pm)knicks Also, at the risk of sounding judgmental, I'm guessing you don't have a whole lot of people you'd consider a support system, or else you wouldn't be posing this question here? I'd recommend looking for a therapist for yourself, to have someone to talk to and unburden yourself for what you've been holding onto for what seems like years (decades?). Or try looking for a support group for individuals going through a divorce. It can be tremendously therapeutic to be able to not only share one's pain but hear stories from others to know that you're not alone in what you're going through.

Therapy can indeed be REALLY helpful, especially at a time like this. Unfortunately, it's probably cost-prohibitive. Because, you know, only the wealthy are allowed mental health services. A support group, even an online one, may be a workable alternative.

I’m not sure why you married her in the first place considering you already knew what you were getting into. The choice at this point is a no brainer.

I don’t know what area of the world you live in however in my state it costs $435 to file a divorce. That’s a huge bit money to cough up but worth it I suppose if you can afford it.

You probably will never completely get over her. I still have feelings for the woman that broke my heart over 20 years ago. Sucks how people we come in contact with become permanent parts of us.

Would nice if we could erase unwanted memories. Best of luck to you mate.

(May 15, 2022, 11:43 pm)LTKNT101 I’m not sure why you married her in the first place considering you already knew what you were getting into.  The choice at this point is a no brainer.

I don’t know what area of the world you live in however in my state it costs $435 to file a divorce. That’s a huge bit money to cough up but worth it I suppose if you can afford it.

You probably will never completely get over her. I still have feelings for the woman that broke my heart over 20 years ago. Sucks how people we come in contact with become permanent parts of us.

Would nice if we could erase unwanted memories. Best of luck to you mate.

lol What $435 is a lot of money to leave someone you no longer want to spend the rest of eternity with?  I know there's inflation, but still!



Is this board really the best place you could go for advice about divorce?  Last time I checked, pregnancy more-or-less required (at least for a guy) being married.