You're doing the right thing. You're balancing the fantasy with reality, and any reasonable person should do the same.
Early on in my life, I wanted to have a lot of children (I'm a cishet male). It seemed absolutely logical-- pregnancy is my thing. I would want a partner that is pregnant often, so therefore, I want a big family.
But as I got older, reality hit me more. Kids are a lot of work and a lifetime investment. And while I view passing on knowledge and teaching as my life's greatest endeavor, I also remembered that a lot of my coping skills involve being alone. Going for drives alone. Listening to music alone. Writing alone. And the more I considered that, the responsibility required, and the lack of freedom that I would have, having 6+ kids sounded a lot less appealing. You know who doesn't go on exotic vacations? Big families. You know who doesn't uproot and try something new every few years? Big families. But they're all things central to the way that I live my life and function. It made me realize that despite the frequent pregnancies, I probably would not be happy having a family that big. There's surrogacy, but I don't think it's fair of me to have the expectation of what my partner should do with her body, especially with something as physically taxing as pregnancy.
But I truly think there's a middle ground for you here. As some have suggested, you could be a non-agency surrogate for close friends and family members. And I think using someone else's egg and sperm would help in reminding you that no part of the child is yours. Keep it medical, and even though it takes out some of the fun, it will help protect you while you build those walls.
Or you could have one child and then do agency work. Kids can be great. Honestly, unless you're 100% certain that you would never want a child, I think you would be happy as a parent. The people who have children for the sake of someone else even though they don't want to are the ones who build up resentment towards being a parent. If it doesn't sound 100% awful to you, then I think it's a future that you could have and be happy with. And having one child would make separation of surrogate children easier (which is the other reason for it as a requirement outside of genetic condition reasons).
The point is, the choice is yours. If you're fine with the fantasy, then stick with reading fiction, wearing a silicone belly, and roleplay. But if you want to experience the real deal and the idea of having a child doesn't completely repulse you, then think about the realistic situations in which you could become pregnant. Nobody is a perfect parent, and as long as you can be a loving and supportive one, then I think you pass the bar.
Continue to ask yourself questions. I think you'll hit your eventual answer once you start rooting more of your fantasy in what you could realistically be comfortable with.
Early on in my life, I wanted to have a lot of children (I'm a cishet male). It seemed absolutely logical-- pregnancy is my thing. I would want a partner that is pregnant often, so therefore, I want a big family.
But as I got older, reality hit me more. Kids are a lot of work and a lifetime investment. And while I view passing on knowledge and teaching as my life's greatest endeavor, I also remembered that a lot of my coping skills involve being alone. Going for drives alone. Listening to music alone. Writing alone. And the more I considered that, the responsibility required, and the lack of freedom that I would have, having 6+ kids sounded a lot less appealing. You know who doesn't go on exotic vacations? Big families. You know who doesn't uproot and try something new every few years? Big families. But they're all things central to the way that I live my life and function. It made me realize that despite the frequent pregnancies, I probably would not be happy having a family that big. There's surrogacy, but I don't think it's fair of me to have the expectation of what my partner should do with her body, especially with something as physically taxing as pregnancy.
But I truly think there's a middle ground for you here. As some have suggested, you could be a non-agency surrogate for close friends and family members. And I think using someone else's egg and sperm would help in reminding you that no part of the child is yours. Keep it medical, and even though it takes out some of the fun, it will help protect you while you build those walls.
Or you could have one child and then do agency work. Kids can be great. Honestly, unless you're 100% certain that you would never want a child, I think you would be happy as a parent. The people who have children for the sake of someone else even though they don't want to are the ones who build up resentment towards being a parent. If it doesn't sound 100% awful to you, then I think it's a future that you could have and be happy with. And having one child would make separation of surrogate children easier (which is the other reason for it as a requirement outside of genetic condition reasons).
The point is, the choice is yours. If you're fine with the fantasy, then stick with reading fiction, wearing a silicone belly, and roleplay. But if you want to experience the real deal and the idea of having a child doesn't completely repulse you, then think about the realistic situations in which you could become pregnant. Nobody is a perfect parent, and as long as you can be a loving and supportive one, then I think you pass the bar.
Continue to ask yourself questions. I think you'll hit your eventual answer once you start rooting more of your fantasy in what you could realistically be comfortable with.
