Hey everyone, so I was going to post on reddit but my girlfriend reddits too, I figure there's no chance she'll find it here. If you're not looking for a discussion like this, then you might as well just hit back now. Thanks in advance.

My girlfriend and I have been together for nearly three years now. I'm 22, she's 21. Recently, I've haven't been feeling as in love with her as I used to be. I figure this is somewhat normal, and it wasn't alarming because I know there's no rush to tie the knot, we're too young and don't have stable careers yet. I just told myself, I'm not making any big decisions either way.

But the feeling just isn't going away. Some days are really good and I'm happy to be with her. We have a lot in common, similar goals and interests, similar mindsets for our futures and financially, similar likes when it comes to going out or spending a weekend somewhere or doing something and such. She's a very reasonable person, no drama, no bullshit, she's goofy like me and I feel like I can be myself around her. Qualities I'm afraid I'd never find in someone else.

But other days aren't so good. First and foremost, I really don't like her when she's drunk (it's not terribly often, maybe once or twice a month). Now, I drink fairly frequently, but don't often get drunk, and if I do, I rarely can't handle myself. So I'm no prude. But she'll go out with friends and come home, and I'm instantly turned off (happened today- I was looking forward to her coming home and then she's drunk- nope turned off). She loses her composure and stumbles around, she hurts herself, a few weeks ago she actually got in a punching match with one of my buddies who was also pretty buzzed (someone with PTSD!) and got bruised. These are the opposite of her reasonable, sane qualities that I adore. Almost the only times we've ever argued, it's when she's been drinking. We've talked about her drunk antics probably twice, and she says she hates it and she feels AWFUL about it every morning, but she doesn't stop.

Just to be clear, she's far from an alcoholic. That's not even on the table as a possibility. Like I said, once maybe twice a month this happens.

Also, I'm not sure we're on the same level intellectually. This isn't /r/iamverysmart, I don't think I'm some genius, it could just be that we don't connect on the same level. When we do talk about politics, current events, technology, or when we get in to those more abstract or "philosophical" discussions, she just doesn't seem to add much. I could make a case for just about any side and she'd probably agree. This is important because I want to be around someone who I can have these conversations, who makes good points and makes me think.

Another issue is that she doesn't seem to be taking big steps towards her future. She's getting really sick of her job, but won't take the next step towards a career. She's though about being a realtor, hemmed and hawed over it for probably 6 months now. She's said she finally wants to do it, but keeps putting it off. Then two weeks later, I'll hear some more uncertainty. Now I know these things can't be rushed, but where do you draw the line?

Lastly, and this is minor compared to the other things, but I don't know if I'm as attracted to her as I used to be. I think she's gained a little weight, which is weird because we've been working out and eating better, and it's a big turn off for me. I don't want to put too much emphasis on this, but it's still in the back of my head.

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I just don't know what this all means. Really, I never stressed how great she is in so many ways. We do jive incredibly well. It only makes the things I don't like about her that much harder.

How long do I hold out for? How much can she change? How do I even begin to bring up some of these issues with her?

If you've made it this far, thank you so much.

Honestly, I think you'd be better off with using a throwaway on r/relationships or r/advice and keeping some of the more damning details vague.

There's likely some people who might offer advice here, but honestly... we're here to masturbate. And talk about things related therein. I'm not certain you'll get many responses, or the ones you're looking for. Go talk to some folks on a subreddit who just do this all day. Or talk to a really close friend.

Ehh, you're not wrong. A throwaway + vagueness was exactly my thought too, but I guess posting here seemed less... formal? Like if I have to go to r/relationships, then there's probably really something wrong. It's just a mental game I'm playing with myself I guess.

Funny enough, I've rarely been on the open discussion forum. Looking through it now, I see there's nothing not related to pregnancy. Whoops...

An old saying that seems relevant:

A man marries a woman hoping she won't change
A woman marries a man hoping she can change him

I disagree. You can certainly ask for relationship advice here. My advice is to seriously think about whether or not you want to continue in this relationship. She sounds a like a sweet enough girl for sure but, those issues you talked about could be big ones if you ever decided to marry her. I know it may not seem like it but, there a lot of great girls out there that are intelligent(know more than just fashion or the Kardashians) and may share a lot of the same interests you do. Don't feel like you have to settle because you're comfortable, especially if you're looking to build a relationship that can last. Then again, you're only 22 and in no rush. So, you can take your time to decide what you want to do.

*cracks knuckles* I get to be a voice of experience! Let's see if it helps at all...

I was married to a woman throughout my twenties. It was generally a good experience, but there are things you mentioned about your partner that reminded me a great deal of some of the issues I had with mine:

• Intellectual/philosophical differences. Indeed, I don't find myself a genius either, but probably above average? She, on the other hand, left a little to be desired at times. She was by no means stupid, but as you said, if I put forward a position or opinion, she'd probably shrug and agree. That can be nice because -- hey -- you agree! But then you have to wonder if the hamster in the wheel upstairs is still kickin' or not. That's not a fun consideration.
  
• No direction. The early twenties are probably about the time she needs to be getting her shit together and figuring out what her career's going to look like *if* she's the type who's ever going to do that for real. If she's showing a general lack of ambition right now, you can't reasonably expect that to change.
  
• Weight gain. I'm with you there, it's not that damn big a deal and it's easily shrugged-off. Whatever. But it's still happening and in the back of your mind you're like, "does she care about being physically attractive to me anymore?" That's one hell of a difficult subject to approach. In my case, I didn't have to -- she gained like 40-50 pounds over the years and one day it hit her like a ton of bricks, and she decided to take it all off. I was recruited to help her count calories and whatnot, but that was just downright unfair. "Are you sure you can eat that today?" -- and boom, she's pissed. I get it, but fuck, I was just trying to help you achieve your own goals. My point is: broach this particular topic at your own peril.
  

I held out in perpetuity. I saw no overwhelming reason to suggest changes, as things seemed stable and they appeared to be working. No need to spook the herd. In the end, she chose to leave. It appeared to be a simple matter of two people growing apart, but I later discovered it was something else entirely. It's all good, though. In the long run, I've traded up, and I'm also able to explore my pregnancy fetish with other women due to the beauty of open relationships -- something I never could have done with that setup.

The reason I shared all that was so that you understand where I'm coming from and how my experiences will inform the advice I give. It's kind of like knowing where a politician's campaign money came from.

In my case, I didn't have the stomach to make a big change even though I wasn't happy. There were things I wanted from her, from the relationship, and from my life that couldn't happen while we were together, but I was willing to sacrifice them all for perceived stability. The horrible truth is that there's almost certainly a mutual "blah" going on right now, and eventually, someone's going to have to speak up. In other words: you may think that staying silent and letting it run its course is the pragmatic thing to do, and for all intents and purposes, it may be... but it will almost certainly end, regardless. I could be wrong, of course. She may be quite happy. But you see, you're not, and that's tough to swallow. Tough, but not impossible.

You'll probably hear this shit a lot, but "you're young." I used to roll my eyes at that, but truth is, it's.. true. And you can take advantage of it. You can use what you've learned about yourself, what you require from a partner, and how you function in a relationship to inform your next one. Or ones. Whatever you end up doing.

tl;dr: decide what makes you truly happy in a relationship and let that guide your actions. If stability is your thing, stick with her for as long as you possibly can since there don't appear to be any shakeups looming on the horizon. Know full-well that stability is an illusion. But, frankly, if it's gotten to the point where you're asking these questions of yourself and of random pregnancy fetishists on the interwebs, I think you may find more happiness in looking for a better match. It won't seem that way right now, but when it's all said-and-done and you find yourself with someone new, you'll wonder why you waited so long. I sometimes do.

This ^ ^ ^ ^ ^

I couldn't articulate it this well but I've had an almost identical experience and completely agree with Akhenaten.

Sorry for the delay but wow Akhnaten, thank you so much for your insight.

Quote:The horrible truth is that there's almost certainly a mutual "blah" going on right now, and eventually, someone's going to have to speak up. In other words: you may think that staying silent and letting it run its course is the pragmatic thing to do, and for all intents and purposes, it may be... but it will almost certainly end, regardless.

This is closer to the truth than you realize. One of our best traits together is that we talk incredibly well, party because we're both very perceptive to each other's moods and feelings. This blah is definitely occurring. Were it any other emotion or disagreement, one of us would bring it up, we would talk it out quite reasonably, and move past it very well. But I think we both realize that this might be tied to something bigger... possibly to the end. And neither of us will broach the subject.

The rational side of me just screams out, "Do it already! You both feel it, just bring it up and talk about it!" But it just never seems like a good time. There's always some event coming up and I don't want to blow it all up right before. Not to mention, how do I even begin to tell her I don't think she's smart enough for me?? Or worse yet... is this REALLY the decision I want to make? What if things change?

Quote:In my case, I didn't have the stomach to make a big change even though I wasn't happy. There were things I wanted from her, from the relationship, and from my life that couldn't happen while we were together, but I was willing to sacrifice them all for perceived stability.

Just felt the need to quote this for how true it is.

Wow, I can't believe I'm actually talking about this as if I'm going to break up with her. This is surreal. I never thought I'd be the kind of person to drag a relationship out just for the stability. It's not fair for her for me to "trick" her every time I say I love you. Maybe she is feeling that blah, but every time I say I love you, it reduces it that much more. Then to break off the relationship... it just isn't fair to her.

Thank you so much for your advice.

I disappeared for a while and didn't catch the reply... three and a half months ago. Erk.

What ended up happening?