Here's my two cents.

Firstly, I find it a peculiar choice to post this here, I mean, reddit would be a much better option since nobody really gets onto this site with the will to read about anything other than, well, pregnancy (no offence intended).
But thanks for sharing, I can't say I'm empathise with you since I'm probably much younger. I am however, a trained psychologist and what you mentioned in your original post, depicts the characteristics of someone with a personality disorder (similar to Amber Heard) and it's her who needs psychotherapy intervention. I'm sure there are bias in the recount of your past since we're only hearing from your perspective, but I suggest a few things.

1. Regardless of the outcome, please do consult a counsellor or psychologist and share your inner grievances. Many people over-estimate their ability to cope with these issues.
- There will be a lasting impact on your mind even if we assume everything goes smoothly from this point onwards (highly unlikely anyway). I say this also because you have a daughter who is dependent on one of her parent having a healthy mind, which is vital.
- If financing for counselling becomes an issue for you, do note that there are probably charities or community services in your area/state that can help you out with that.

2. I second your decision to end your marriage.
- It's not an easy decision, but I mean easy decisions are sometimes the wrong ones (you should know this first-hand). Usually, the gut feeling is the wisest amongst us all, so trust them.
- Do make sure you have friends or family to support you through this decision-making and I highly suggest against doing this alone or merely seeking online support. It's difficult to share, but you have to share this with one or two friends you could trust, to weather out the storm with you.

3. Money is a short-termed issue.
- I understand that it may be costly to do things like; getting an attorney, getting a counsellor, or even breaking down your possessions into "yours" and "mine" but these are short termed problems. Money can be earned back, but sometimes, the physical, mental and emotional damage (seriously no pun intended) cannot be fully healed. Please prioritise your own, and your daughter's well being.

Good Luck,
Griddles.

(June 29, 2022, 5:14 am)BasedGd1768

(May 15, 2022, 11:43 pm)LTKNT101 I’m not sure why you married her in the first place considering you already knew what you were getting into.  The choice at this point is a no brainer.

I don’t know what area of the world you live in however in my state it costs $435 to file a divorce. That’s a huge bit money to cough up but worth it I suppose if you can afford it.

You probably will never completely get over her. I still have feelings for the woman that broke my heart over 20 years ago. Sucks how people we come in contact with become permanent parts of us.

Would nice if we could erase unwanted memories. Best of luck to you mate.

lol What $435 is a lot of money to leave someone you no longer want to spend the rest of eternity with?  I know there's inflation, but still!



Is this board really the best place you could go for advice about divorce?  Last time I checked, pregnancy more-or-less required (at least for a guy) being married.

$435 is a drop in the bucket compared to alimony. And it's even worse when there's children involved.

(June 29, 2022, 5:14 am)BasedGd1768 lol What $435 is a lot of money to leave someone you no longer want to spend the rest of eternity with?  I know there's inflation, but still!

Is this board really the best place you could go for advice about divorce?  Last time I checked, pregnancy more-or-less required (at least for a guy) being married.

There's married couples who live their whole lives without producing offspring. As well as couple who have kids but never tie the knot.

Also, I WISH all it took to have a clean slate was to pay $435. There's cases where the husband loses half of what he owns in the process. You'll have to go to court to decide who'll get the cars, house, pets, bank accounts, custody of the kids, ect.

That's why it's important to have a prenup in place before marriage, so everything would be settled without the mess of court fees and stress.

Ok, you haven't said what US state you're in, so this advice, which I'll have to give the disclaimer I'm not an attorney, certainly not a family law attorney, just a guy that's been divorced TWICE...

Never mind all the emotional ramifications of what you contemplate for yourself and your young daughter, which are considerable...

You WANT to join the ranks of the FUCKED...

Okeeeyyy....

If you're thinking that maybe you'll have primary custody of your daughter, the answer is NO.  Doesn't matter what family dynamics are afoot here...your daughter is THREE.  You're the FATHER.  Unless the mother is absolutely psychotic with a DOCUMENTED history of self-harm, or child abuse, and/or a criminal background, the Family Court WILL award her primary custody, PERIOD.  Even if now she declines it, that can be changed at her whim.  Never mind you'll have to come up with a viable parenting plan that will leave you able to properly supervise your daughter AND somehow earn a living.  And they called Clark Kent "Superman".  And don't think that'll get you out of paying child support anyway.  In most states, there's a formula that most counties use.  For example, in California, the documented salary/wages/profits recent history of both petitioner and respondent are obtained, then, IAW a parenting plan either mutually agreed to or ordered by the court in a custody proceeding, the share of parenting time will be determined.  Based on that, the amount of support payable from one parent to the other will be calculated.  Since you've indicated that you somehow earn quite a bit more than your wife, even against almost dead certainty you get primary custody of your kid, with, say, 80 percent "share" (that's your ex-wife getting her every other weekend, one overnight stay each week, and two weeks full-time each year, and rotating major holidays), you'll get little, mostly likely NOTHING, in terms of child support.  OTOH, and IDK what your state considers as "standard" for child support levels, in the far more likely event it's YOU that is the "Disneyland Dad", expect to shell out about 20 to 30 percent of your take home pay in BASIC child support.  If child care is needed for your ex-wife to work (and you WANT her work, trust me), expect to pay out at least half of THAT as well, on top of out-of-pocket medical/dental.  Speaking of which, you WILL have to maintain a health insurance plan on your kid, per Federal (Obamacare) and State laws, or else the Court picks one, and they've no incentive to "shop" for a deal.  But that's just the start of the financial nightmare.  Please keep in mind that unless your wife already had her resident alien status confirmed BEFORE you married (probably not, she's not a US Citizen now, is she?), then she's all the incentive to keep custody of your daughter as an "anchor", never mind that the kid is a net profit now to her.  Consult an immigration attorney as well if you don't believe me.  But that's just the BEGINNING of 15-20 years of emotional and financial purgatory...

ALIMONY.  You WILL most likely be hit with a considerable alimony award, it doesn't matter that your wife is a "big girl", now, suddenly, she's the helpless, "innocent" girl whom you've taken her "best years" from, "selfish asshole", and you'll either be dealing with a castrating cunt of a lesbo lady judge who will frig herself silly at the thought of how many guys she's figuratively cut the balls of that day in her court room, or some kindly, almost grandfatherly man who will, although he'll be businesslike and curt, will say inside, "WTF is the MATTER with this guy", and still stick it to you.  Again, not knowing your state, can't say how much you'll be fucked over for, but in CA, taking into account also applicable child support (most counties use a computer program known as "Disso-Master" or equivalent, one useful feature is most judges go for a plan, where both alimony and child support are in question, that leaves the maximum after-tax income to BOTH parties, the reasons being obvious), the receiving spouse, almost always the woman, gets about FORTY percent of the difference, at least temporarily, in net incomes.  So you can be hit with a combined award for alimony and child support that takes about SIXTY PERCENT of your take-home pay.  I can't count how many guys who have good day jobs are working themselves to the bone schlepping pizza at night and working "day labor" construction jobs on the weekends they don't have their kids; that what I had to do many years ago in the first divorce, but I survived.  

And I haven't gotten to the FINAL insult:  Division of marital assets and debts.  Comes down to:  it sounds like you two don't own any real property, but she'd get the house if you did (happened both times with me, and both times, the bitch lost the place to foreclosure), but she'll get the better car or the one if that's all you have.  Oh yes, the court can order YOU to make the car payments on top of your already considerable support payments, at least temporarily until final settlement.  More or less, YOU get stuck with the debts, and likely end up having to file bankruptcy.  Start scoping out bridges and underpasses in today's real estate market, it's likely where you'll have to bed for the night.

All this, if it seems like a total fucking nightmare, is exactly what most guys go through in a divorce, chum.  The "Good" news?  Not much, save that seven years is still considered a 'short" term marriage.  Most states, and especially with both of you being fairly young, will sunset the alimony to no longer than half the length of the marriage.  And that's IF she doesn't remarry, but IDK your wife's convictions on shacking up.  That's why a LOT of women do it, and though, again, there's a procedure to discontinue alimony in event of co-habitation, it ain't worth the considerable expense.  BTW, not only will your legal fees come to a SHIT LOAD of money, as if you can pull them out of your ass, you'll likely have to pay a huge chunk of HERS as well.  Oh yeah, pay for some greedy J-O-O shyster or feminazi cunt to fuck YOU over.  Ain't martial law grand?

Dude, I would SERIOUSLY consider marriage and personal counseling before you go down the divorce path.  But if it's inevitable, do it soon, the bill only gets MORE expensive the longer this sad marriage endures. In the end, if you're strong, you'll get over it, it's just a tough row to hoe in your late 20s or early 30s.  Call it a hard lesson on the realities of life and WHY so many men are saying "FUCK IT" to assuming the responsibilities of being a husband and father.

Update:

Thanks for giving your thoughts everyone, it's fully appreciated.

If you're investing in my situation, here's what's happened since I firsts created this thread:

1. I announced to my wife that I wanted to divorce her. This was almost 3 weeks ago.
2. I am actually very, very happy I did so. I feel like a huge weight has been lifted off me.
3. We're not technically divorced yet, just separated; she can't afford to live on her own at the moment and I'm fine letting her live with me in the new rental house until she's ready to leave.
4. Arizona is a 50/50 state, which means I have to give her half of whatever the house sells for and pretty much half of all other assets. I'm both okay and not okay with that, but whatever.
5. I talked to a lawyer that a friend of mine recommended, and she affirmed that unless wife can provide a good reason for me not to have shared custody, then I will get it.
6. My wife and I planned on having an amicable separation so we can have an uncontested divorce. If we agree on separation of property, then we can file without needing attorneys or going to court.
7. However, because wife wants primary custody, it's likely I will have to take her to court as I now know, according to my lawyer, i have the right to shared custody and its reasonable for me to have it. I'm very financially and mentally stable, I have no history of substance abuse or child abuse, and I genuinely love my daughter and having her around. Wife is not financially stable, she gets emotional and overwhelmed very easily, and sometimes I see that she gets annoyed when a our daughter wants her attention.
8. In summation, thank all of you for sharing your thoughts. I honestly can't believe I made the first step to initiate this divorce. It makes me feel very good knowing that I won't have to deal with my wife for the rest of my life, even though I will have to interact with her regularly being the mother of my child and all. I haven't felt this happy in a very long time. I'm going to fight like hell for my daughter.

Wish me luck.

(June 30, 2022, 12:47 pm)R\lyeh I haven't felt this happy in a very long time.

That is wonderful.  It may be a two steps forward, one step back kind of thing for a while, but good for you! Now you begin the process of getting on with your life and healing.

That’s great that you’ve done this for yourself. Good luck on your future and the best of luck in getting custody.

hey man, a little late to be chiming in I guess, but im a therapist IRL. folks have given personal as well as legal advice so ill abstain for now. just want to say: you are absolutely valid and in the right for choosing an option and lifestyle that makes you happy. and you sound like a good dude with a good, generous heart. this sounds like a hellish relationship which will definitely leave you with some lifelong scars. my recommendation is just to always pursue what feels right to you.

that goes for anyone here, especially if you (like me) have at times struggled with the morals/ethics of this particular fetish. life is short and fleeting and precious. the only thing that matters on our deathbed is how HAPPY we are and have been in our life. therefore the most important thing is always to pursue our happiness (hopefully not at the expense of others'). keep that in mind and follow your heart and these difficult times will eventually pass you by.

godspeed brother and good luck.

I would specifically look for an attorney who has extensive fathers' rights experience in AZ. At the very least get a consult with one. They tend to know far more specifics about custody for men and may think of more approaches you can use in that respect.

Strangely enough, I have lived in AZ for the last twenty years and don't have the least glimmer of an idea about the divorce laws here. I came to AZ to escape my divorce in MN. I shall never marry again, neither here nor anywhere else.

When it comes to a man filing for divorce, remember this: When you ask a gorilla to dance, you stop when the gorilla wants to stop.

You've heard some reasonable advice here, but I would add this: develop a 'ripcord' strategy. If it gets too awful, bail. My ex called me into court month after month always asking for more stuff. The judge always granted it, no questions asked. My friends, my family, my therapist all recognized that I was reaching the point of murder/suicide. I finally understood that the only thing that was keeping the process going was my cooperation. So... Ripcord! I bailed and came to AZ. I laid low and worked off the books. She couldn't hassle me anymore, but if she could I would have moved another two hundred miles to Mexico. It worked. I lived very comfortably. I called her a few years later and we worked out a settlement without the courts.

You are wise to be concerned about your three YO daughter. But remember, you can do your daughter no good if you are being ground into the dust by the courts. Find your ripcord.