I was getting my first bit of good sleep in a long time when I felt the room begin to change. Squinting, I lifted my head a bit and saw the source of the commotion. A hooded figure, maybe 2-3 feet tall, was levitating above my bed. I could only see its glaring red eyes from under the cloak. As it spoke, a strong wind began to blow in the room from some unspecific location, making my blanket ripple and my books fly open.
“I come in the name of the First House of the King of Blood, Cadarus,” it said, its voice crackling and creaking. “The prince of the great house, destined to lead the armies of the Terror Lands, is to be borne into this world.” The cloaked creature let one bony, gnarled hand come out from under its shroud, pointing at me. “Your human womb has been chosen as the-”
“Look, I have work in the morning,” I finally had to say, cutting the little guy off. “Let’s just cut to the bullet points. Is this kid a reincarnation, a summoning, is it half my genes or is there a Mrs. King of Blood who had something to do with this?”
The figure paused, its finger dipping a bit. “I…why are you asking these questions?”
I sighed and rolled my eyes, turning on the lamp on the side of my bed and put on my glasses. “Because I want to know how long I’ll be carrying this prince of yours around for. So what is it?” I couldn’t make out much of the thing’s face, but it looked like its ghoulish red eyes were getting a hint of confusion. They never seem prepared for these basic questions.
“I suppose it’s a summoning.”
“Good, only 4-5 months or so,” I said, shrugging. “And are your people going to come get him or will he be snatched up in a fit of hellfire? I’m not setting off the smoke alarms in the hospital again.”
“The prince should travel through a portal we will prepare,” the figure said, levitating slightly less high, its raspy voice still sounding confused. “This is not the response I expected from a human.”
“I guess not,” I scoffed, trying to stop one of my books from falling off my dresser. “And can you do something about this wind?”
The wind died down and for a few seconds, it was silent between us. Its red eyes stared back at me and I glared back at it, as if to say “Get on with it, pal.” This seemed to piss it off, as the ghoul flew up into the air, its skeleton-like arms reaching into the air.
“I will not be talked to in this tone of voice! I have come to bring the heir to the First House, slayers of the Giants of the Endless Mountains, into this world! By bringing a member of demon royalty into the Moral Dimension, he will be the first warrior in 5,000 years to have the power of-”
“Look, it’s none of my business, but this kid’ll hardly be the first,” I said, wiping some crust out of my left eye. “The vassal to the Bleeding Bones Family or whatever gave me this same speech about seven months ago.”
“The guardians of the Temple of Flayed Bone?” the cloaked figure said in shock.
“Yeah, that’s the one. I gave them a bouncing baby boy back in September. Maybe you guys should try and communicate better.”
The figure growled, not so much at me but at the situation, before starting to disappear into a red mist.
“Wait,” I said, holding up one finger. “One last question: I don’t see any belly on me yet, so this is this going to start up when I wake up or sometime later in the week or what? I need to set my schedule to this thing.”
The figure snapped one of its gross fingers before completely disappearing and my stomach suddenly swelled out, stretching my baggy maternity pajamas out to just about their max.
“Me and my big mouth,” I groaned, turning off the lamp and putting my glasses on the dresser before sliding back into bed and trying to get comfortable with my latest pregnant belly. At least I had one or two nights of non-pregnant sleep before this.
I was just putting on a jacket and rolling my sweater over my belly when my phone buzzed on the kitchen counter. “Hi Rachel.”
“Hey Angie,” Rachel replied. “How’s it going?”
“Eh, okay. Vacation’s over,” I said, looking down at my belly.
I could hear Rachel sigh on the other end. “Well, if you still want to, I was checking that we’re having lunch today at noon.”
“Oh yeah, I’m still fine with that,” I said with a little laugh. “Believe me, nothing new over here. See you then.”
“See you then,” Rachel said. I hung up and put my phone into my pocket, grabbed my purse, and waddled out the door. I’m getting to be a real pro at waddling. It’s almost like a regular walk for me. This particular pregnancy is within an easily manageable size. At least for now. I’m starting off looking and feeling like I’m about eight months pregnant, so in four or five months, things will definitely be harder. Nothing I haven’t been through already, though.
I wait patiently at the bus stop, blowing on my hands to keep them warm. I didn’t expect it to be cold enough for gloves already. I thought one of the bright sides to carrying a demon pregnancy was that I’d stay warm, but no such luck today it seems. Not that that’s a bad thing. In the past…I don’t know how many demon pregnancies I’ve had, I’ve had all sorts of accidents like the office water cooler boiling, papers burning up in my hand, sudden cravings for raw meat and blood.
At least these demon babies stay relatively still. Every alien pregnancy I’ve had has so much commotion and sloshing around inside me. It’s enough to make me seasick.
The bus pulls up and I walk on, the bus driver giving me an obvious annoyed look. I think he expects that I wear a fake belly to get people to give me their seats. I don’t blame him. I’ve looked full-term pregnant on-again-off-again for about the past three years now.
All of the seats are full and no one seems eager to give up their seat for me. I let out a little sigh from my nose and hold onto the railing just above my head. The bus starts moving forward and the kid starts fidgeting around inside me. I hesitate to rub because it feels too…familiar for the first day with this thing inside me, but it’s really the only way to try and quiet them down. Not that it always works.
Sitting in front of me is, as luck would have it, another pregnant woman. She looks about as big as me and is obviously a few decades older. She gives me a once-over and wraps her arms a little tighter around her stomach. Thinking back, she looks kind of familiar and she must have the same thoughts as the bus driver. I can’t blame her: she has a “real” pregnancy, working eight or so months to get her own child up to this point.
Weird, carrying your own child. I’ve never thought of any of these pregnancies over the past few years as my own because, well, they weren’t. Not that I’m in any rush to have kids yet.
I finally get to my stop and take the elevator up to my office, getting a few looks from the others as I waddle to my desk. Barry, our HR guy, clearly sees me on the other end of the office and hangs his head, walking over slowly after grabbing some papers from his desk.
“Hello Angelina,” Barry said in a monotone, looking over his forms. “So, what’ll it be this time? Any insurance changes? Time off? Should we expect any outbursts from you?”
“Just make sure the sprinklers don’t go off in the whole building when there’s a fire again,” I said with a little grin. “A precaution.”
“Right, a precaution,” Barry grumbled, putting a form on my desk. “Just fill out sections two and three.”
“You got it, Barry,” I said in a faux-sunny voice, marking down my pertinent information before handing it back. “Shouldn’t you get used to this by now?”
“Hmph,” Barry huffed, turning around and heading back to his office. To keep within insurance guidelines, employees have to note when they or their partner get pregnant. So as you can imagine, I’ve been a bit of a handful for ol’ Barry. At least I don’t typically need any kind of medical care to go along with these. Magical pregnancies, alien pregnancies, weird science pregnancies. All pretty low-maintenance.
“Angie, you’ve got a neighbor,” Annette, the editor-in-chief and my boss, said, walking up to my desk with a guy next to her. “This is Jean. He transferred from the sales department in one of our bureau offices. Make him feel at home.”
“You got it,” I said, heaving myself out of my chair to greet Jean, reaching one hand out to him. He’s clearly more focused on my belly than my hand or any other part of me, but he moves his eyes up to mine quickly enough that I can forgive him. “Hi, I’m Angie. How long have you been with the magazine?”
“Two years,” he said, clearing his throat multiple times.
“Alright, then you know your way around sales pretty well. Doing it in the main office isn’t too different and the business director will fill you in on anything additional you need to know.” I looked around the office while getting a few annoying kicks to see how busy the place is. “I can give you a quick tour of the place, if you want.”
“Sure,” Jean said, moving out of the way and giving me plenty of room as I walked out of my cubicle to show him around. I only did one circle around the place, trying to stay off my feet as much as I could. I may have three years of experience with big pregnant bellies, but they’re still heavy.
“This is all the writer’s wing, there’s the editor’s officers for each section, there’s IT and the computer banks are back there, and finally we have the break room,” I said, leaning against the break room wall and taking a few deep breaths. “The coffee here is surprisingly good, I’m told. I try to stay away from caffeine when I’m pregnant. It gives me indigestion.”
“W-when?” Jean said, clearing his throat to try and disguise his question. I chuckle a little and stretch my back out, trying to relieve some of the weight of the prince of blood or whatever he’s called.
“One more important office detail,” I said, resting one hand on my belly. “I have some, let’s say, unusual pregnancy symptoms sometimes, but don’t freak out when they happen. It’s totally natural.”
At that moment, my body was suddenly engulfed in intense, red flames. I felt some heat, but it wasn’t extreme at all. The fire vanished as quickly as it came and the clothing I came into work with was gone. In its place, I had on a steel bikini, with large spikes sticking out of the “breast plate,” gauntlets with long, sharp claws, and shin guards that ran up my bare legs like stockings. Looking at my reflection in the toaster, I had on a silver tiara with a scowling skull on the front and jet black eyeliner.
“T-this is natural?” Jean asked, his eyes bugged out and seemingly stuck there.
“I’ll be honest, this is a new one to me,” I sighed, looking myself over. “But yeah, this is natural.”
Luckily, later in the day I was consumed by hellfire again and I got my clothes back, just in time to meet Rachel for lunch. As I walked up to her, already seated at the outdoor café, she saw me and stood up, a sympathetic smile on her face.
“There it is again,” Rachel said, walking over and giving me a tight hug.
“Nothing we’re not already used to,” I said, pulling a chair back and sitting down, adjusting myself to fit my belly into the small space.
“Every time I see you without a belly, I hope that it’s finally the last time for you,” Rachel sighed, sitting down beside me. “So what is it this time? Aliens? Ancient artifact?”
“Some sort of demon royalty,” I said, shifting as the child in question gave me a sharp punch in the bladder. “They’re always a handful.” The waiter walked over and got our orders. “Two hambuger patties, rare please.”
“Patties…so no bun, no lettuce, no sauce?” the waiter asked.
“You got it,” I smiled back, rubbing the side of my belly as he left. Rachel was looking back at me sadly. “Hey, I don’t dictate the cravings. The kid wants bloody meat.”
“I just don’t understand it,” Rachel said, shaking her head. “Three years straight. And there’s no link between these pregnancies? You’re not be recommended or anything?”
“What, like my womb’s on Yelp?” I said, raising one eyebrow as I sipped my water. “‘Good for supernatural pregnancies, but grumpy. 4/5 stars!’”
“I don’t know what else it could be,” Rachel said, her voice sounding more agitated. Rachel was always more concerned about my unconventional pregnancies than I gave off. She’s a good friend but she can worry too much sometimes. “This can’t all just be bad luck.”
“I think that’s exactly what it is,” I smiled back. “Like…how does John McClane keep ending up in just the right place and the right time to be the hero of a big action rescue? That’s just the way things are. Big dumb action is drawn to Die Hard Man and bizarre pregnancies are drawn to me.”
“Can’t you at least be careful not to walk into too many of these sorts of things?” Rachel asked. “You can be kind of…cavalier sometimes.”
“Which reminds me,” I said, reaching into my back pocket, much tighter and harder to get into thanks to the various swelling this pregnancy has caused. “I got a letter from my OB/GYN and he wants me to be part of a drug trial in a few months. He assured me that there won’t be any risk. It’s got a pretty slim chance of working and I’ll get paid for participating.”
“That’s what they said last time,” Rachel sighed, putting her hand in her chin. “Can’t you just not go?”
“What’s the worse that could happen?” I laughed. “I’d get pregnant? I can handle it.”
“I wish I could…take one of them for you,” Rachel said quietly. “You deserve a break.”
I laughed even louder. “You’re sweet, Rachel, but I’m fine. And to be honest, you’re a little too frail to take one of my pregnancies. I can breeze through them now because I’m well weathered. You’d be ready to quit after one day.”
Rachel narrowed her eyes, a little grin forming. “I’d say I’ll take you up on it, but I’m not sure how we’d really test this.”
“We won’t,” I smiled as the waiter brought our food out. “Be grateful.”
The first time I got pregnant was right after I graduated college. Literally the day after graduation. I was looking for work and had carved out a solid resume for myself while I’d been in school, but I wasn’t totally looking forward to starting working yet. I guess it’s lucky that I got a few months off thanks to the aliens.
I was back at my childhood home, living with my parents after classes ended, coming out of a bad dream. I didn’t remember the dream too well; bright, harsh lights, weird sounds, the sensation of being operated on.
When I woke up, I was a few feet off of the bed, slowly levitating, getting closer and closer to the bed. It’s not something I thought about until the next morning when I felt my belly and saw that I had some obvious bloating. There had to be some connection.
Initially, I was terrified. My parents tried to keep me calm and once the ultrasound technician at the local women’s clinic showed us that what was inside my belly wasn’t exactly “human,” they let me stay at home and didn’t pressure me to find a job until the…alien fetus was gone.
I got used to growing at unnatural speeds after the first few weeks. Well, “unnatural” isn’t a very fair way to describe it. For whatever species that thing was, four months may have been a very natural gestation period. After month one, I looked eight months pregnant. Month two, full term with twins.
By that point, I started getting more comfortable with my body. I managed to get some clothes that fit well and I even spent times around the house with my bare belly out. I’m an only child so my mom was nearly as fascinated and confused by my pregnancy as I was. After all, she was over 20 years removed from having to live with a big belly in the house. Still, it wasn’t like she was feeling my belly at all or encouraging me to take pictures.
That’s where Rachel came in. She was in shambles when she found out and had me hang out with her as much as I could, pampering me and making sure I was well taken care of. Once I might have made an off-handed comment about how rubbing my belly made it feel less tight and uncomfortable, so Rachel was constantly rubbing and stroking my bulge, asking if everything felt alright.
The alien fetus was, for lack of a better word, tentacley. And around month #2 was when I could really start to feel it, rolling and sloshing around in there. I could literally hear sloshing sometimes, which only got louder as it got bigger. And thanks to its tentacles, I could feel its “kicks” on all sides of my belly at once. I can’t say I liked it too much. Carrying an alien baby also made me crave briny foods and drinks. I hid my pickle juice habit from my parents, but whenever I was at Rachel’s, she already had a chilled thermos for me and asked if I needed anything else.
Month #3 curbed my time outside the house substantially. I could no longer find clothes to cover my belly and my pants were relegated to sweatpants most of the time and no pants the rest of the time. If I sat on my knees, my belly’s size kept me sitting straight up, resting my hands on my table-like belly. I was increasingly thankful for Rachel’s belly rubs, as I didn’t feel comfortable feeling my swollen womb as it carried such a bizarre, messy creature.
For all of month #4, I lived in Rachel’s apartment. I guess you could call it “maternal instinct,” but I could tell that this would be the final month and I wanted to focus on getting a job and that was hard to do with my parents around. They knew my incubating an alien wasn’t my fault but they still couldn’t bare to look at their daughter with a pregnant belly, even when it was at normal human sizes. By month #4, I could hardly fit through most doorways.
That’s why I chose to stay at Rachel’s instead. It was easier than struggling to go visit her every day and she treated me much better than my parents were. It was a nice chance of pace after the past three months with my mother’s worried looks and my father’s reluctance to even look at me.
Getting a good night’s sleep was near impossible, though. Rachel gave me her bed (of course) and slept on her couch, but Rachel had the typical hipster girl habit of sleeping on the smallest mattress possible. Sleeping on my side, my belly hung over the edge of the bed with a good 3-4 hovering in mid-air. And if my belly was that big, sleeping on my back was even harder. It was like a punch in the gut that never stopped. So I squeezed the pillows against the wall and back of the bed and sat upright, sleeping like I was on a bus or an airplane.
Rachel still found a way to squeeze herself into my bed sometimes so we could talk or watch Netflix together. My belly made for a good desk for that sort of thing. She fell asleep like that once, which left me amazed. I felt so uncomfortable, so I couldn’t imagine how she felt. And yet she was the one out like a light! I envied her ability to sleep easily.
One night I was awakened a little by a twinge of pain as my stomach and skin started to feel tight. I shifted a bit and stroked my belly to try and dull the uncomfortable feeling. I managed to fall back asleep but I didn’t get to rest much. I had strange dreams about bright lights and the pain growing stronger. When I woke up again, I was floating back down to my bed, this time with no belly.
Rachel didn’t let up on pampering me and making sure I was fine, which was fine with me. I felt like I had just gotten out of prison. Finally, I could walk around easily without an enormous belly and I could sleep normally without feeling squirming inside my womb. And on top of that, I had an interview scheduled a few days later, so I could go without a belly and scare away a potential employer.
We celebrated by new lack of motherhood by going around the city, including a trip to the local art museum. I have no idea why we went, but given how things have gone for me, I guess it was some sort of fate. Walking through an exhibit on ancient Mesopotamian art, the air conditioning in the building broke and a big gust of air came in, knocking over the tiny figurine I was looking at. It shattered on the museum floor and a weird white smoke came out and poured into my stomach until my belly swelled out like I was full term with twins. So much for going to the interview with a flat stomach.
A few months later I was able to find another old fertility goddess statue to make this magic whatsit flow back into the figurine instead of my womb. A few days after that, I tripped in the street and knocked over an old woman who cast a curse on me to make me pregnant with her reincarnation so she could be young again. Then nine months later, while trying to visit Rachel in her new apartment, I accidentally walked in on a cult ritual and became pregnant with the offspring of some old god. And a few months later, after giving birth to that kid, an accident at the local university fired a laser at me that made me pregnant. Et cetera, et cetera.
“Still feeling alright, Angie?” Jean said nervously as I waddled from my desk to the break room.
“Yeah, just slowing down a little in the last week,” I said, bending my knees to reach the water cooler. Jean instantly filled up a paper cup for me. “Thanks.”
“Of course,” Jean smiled, blushing. “But did you say the last week?”
“Feels like it,” I said, resting one hand on my belly. If I looked full term when this kid first showed up, five months in, I look overdue with twins. My belly is sticking out far over my pants, but I bought tops that would fit me at sizes bigger than this long ago. Still, it’s not a perfect fit and my belly button, now half-an-inch poked out, is clearly visible beneath the fabric.
“I thought maybe you’re just…always like this,” Jean said. I laughed and Jean chuckled back softly.
“I guess I kind of am,” I sighed, running my hands up and down the sides of my belly. The kicking and flailing has gotten much stronger lately.
“If it’s okay, I was waiting until after you had your baby to see if you’d like to go out to dinner with me,” Jean said. I turned slowly and looked him in the eye, not saying anything. “O-or something like that.”
“Dinner sounds great,” I smiled. “But you didn’t have to wait for me to give birth. It’s a bit of a lost effort, since I’ll end up with a belly like this again in a week or so.” Jean opened his mouth, his face clearly confused, but I cut him off by pressing my belly against him. “But I know that’s what you prefer,” I whispered deeply.
Jean’s whole face turned bright red and I laughed softly.
“Don’t worry, Jean. Does this Friday sound good for you?”
“Friday works great!” Jean choked out.
“Excellent, pick someplace good,” I smiled. “And I’ll even explain all of this to you,” I said, rubbing large circles around the front of my belly as sensually as I could. I’ve never exactly been “sexy” with my belly. Ironically, for the past three years that I’ve been pregnant, I haven’t gotten laid once. I hoped Jean would turn out to be a good guy so I could try again.
That night, Rachel hurried around my apartment, lighting candles and closing the blinds while I leaned against the sofa in my living room, swaying my hips back and forth slowly, taking in deep breaths. I was right in my prediction: today was the big day.
“Sure you don’t need anything else?” Rachel asked.
“Everything’s pretty much set,” I said, moving one hand to my belly. “It needs to be dark, aside from the fire. That’s what it ‘likes.’” I just had on a non-maternity tank top and my underwear, which led to lots of exposed belly, currently covered in a thin layer of sweat.
“Do you need me to do the usual things?” Rachel said, panic clearly in her voice, despite her being to at least two-thirds of my births, acting as my midwife for most of them.
“Yes, and we should start now,” I said, turning around and smiling. “It’s coming.”
Rachel sat on the sofa and wrapped her arms around me as I lay against her, spreading my legs and trying to point my birth canal “down” so I could let gravity do most of the work. After…I’ve lost track how many births it’s been now, but after doing this for a while, it’s not such hard work.
As I pushed, Rachel providing excellent support as always, there was a bright red glowing underneath me that vanished as soon as the baby came out. I let out a deep gasp when it was over, the demon prince or whatever this one was going back to wherever it came from. My belly was still a little bloated from pregnancy but that goes away pretty quickly with these supernatural births.
“Need to lie down?” Rachel asked quietly. I groaned out a reply and let Rachel walk me back to my bedroom, tucking me in and getting me a glass of water. I shut my eyes and drifted off to sleep easily, but I could feel Rachel standing in the doorway watching me for a long time before my consciousness left me.
“Just take one of these with water,” the doctor said, putting the pill in its tiny plastic bag in my palm. “We’ll have you come in again next week to see what its affects were, but if there’s any serious complications, please call us as soon as you can.”
“No problem,” I smiled, giving a sarcastic salute. I had a feeling there would be a complication, but not one that I would consider too serious.
“We’ve given this same drug to about 200 other women with absolutely no impact, but the research methodology is strict,” the doctor shrugged. “But you never know: you might be the only person this medication affects. But what are the odds?”
“My thoughts exactly,” I laughed, hopping off the examining table and walking back to the lobby. I was surprised to see Rachel standing there, waiting for me. “Rachel? Hey, what are you doing here?”
“Thought you might like a drive as opposed to a bus ride,” Rachel said, biting her lip. “And I also wanted to…pick up my test drug.” Rachel held up her own little bag, with the same pill in it. I took her by the arm and walked her aside.
“Rachel, what are you doing?” I whispered. “You don’t need to follow me around like this. I know what this will likely do to me and it’s fine. I’ve accepted that this is my life now.”
Rachel clenched her fist. “It’s not fair that this only happens to you. I want you to have someone to share the burden with.” She started to shake slightly, which just made me sigh and smile, wrapping her up in a big hug.
“Alright, alright,” I laughed. “I’m not mad with you. This is really sweet.” I looked into her eyes. “Let’s go to your apartment and get this over with, okay?”
“Okay,” Rachel smiled, wiping an errant tear out of her eye. Back at her apartment, we each had a bottle of water in one hand with the pill in the other.
“An experimental fertility drug that hasn’t worked on anyone else,” I said, rolling my eyes. “Wonder what’ll happen?” Right before I put the pill on my tongue, Rachel stopped me.
“Wait!” she said, blushing. “Let’s…let’s switch. If you’re right, that pill will make you pregnant and mine will do nothing. You deserve a break.”
I thought about it for a second and reached over to take Rachel’s pill, giving her mind in exchange. “What the hell?” I laughed, taking the drug and washing it down. “Jean will be disappointed, though.”
Rachel giggled as she took my pill, washing it down as well, as I clutched my stomach. Immediately, my belly swelled out, making me regret I didn’t change into a baggier top when I got home. My bare, smooth pregnant flesh was one display and I could clearly feel three distinct forms shifting around inside me. I stumbled with the sudden weight, pushing both hands on my back to support my new, huge pregnant belly.
“I guess that didn’t w-” Rachel began to say, groaning as her breasts began to swell, pushing her shirt further and further out until her bra and top both ripped, her enormous watermelon breasts hanging down, barely covered by the tatters of her top.
I looked over her a little, running my hands over my belly slowly. “Well, I’m glad you made me switch,” I smiled. “I’d look ridiculous like that.”
“I come in the name of the First House of the King of Blood, Cadarus,” it said, its voice crackling and creaking. “The prince of the great house, destined to lead the armies of the Terror Lands, is to be borne into this world.” The cloaked creature let one bony, gnarled hand come out from under its shroud, pointing at me. “Your human womb has been chosen as the-”
“Look, I have work in the morning,” I finally had to say, cutting the little guy off. “Let’s just cut to the bullet points. Is this kid a reincarnation, a summoning, is it half my genes or is there a Mrs. King of Blood who had something to do with this?”
The figure paused, its finger dipping a bit. “I…why are you asking these questions?”
I sighed and rolled my eyes, turning on the lamp on the side of my bed and put on my glasses. “Because I want to know how long I’ll be carrying this prince of yours around for. So what is it?” I couldn’t make out much of the thing’s face, but it looked like its ghoulish red eyes were getting a hint of confusion. They never seem prepared for these basic questions.
“I suppose it’s a summoning.”
“Good, only 4-5 months or so,” I said, shrugging. “And are your people going to come get him or will he be snatched up in a fit of hellfire? I’m not setting off the smoke alarms in the hospital again.”
“The prince should travel through a portal we will prepare,” the figure said, levitating slightly less high, its raspy voice still sounding confused. “This is not the response I expected from a human.”
“I guess not,” I scoffed, trying to stop one of my books from falling off my dresser. “And can you do something about this wind?”
The wind died down and for a few seconds, it was silent between us. Its red eyes stared back at me and I glared back at it, as if to say “Get on with it, pal.” This seemed to piss it off, as the ghoul flew up into the air, its skeleton-like arms reaching into the air.
“I will not be talked to in this tone of voice! I have come to bring the heir to the First House, slayers of the Giants of the Endless Mountains, into this world! By bringing a member of demon royalty into the Moral Dimension, he will be the first warrior in 5,000 years to have the power of-”
“Look, it’s none of my business, but this kid’ll hardly be the first,” I said, wiping some crust out of my left eye. “The vassal to the Bleeding Bones Family or whatever gave me this same speech about seven months ago.”
“The guardians of the Temple of Flayed Bone?” the cloaked figure said in shock.
“Yeah, that’s the one. I gave them a bouncing baby boy back in September. Maybe you guys should try and communicate better.”
The figure growled, not so much at me but at the situation, before starting to disappear into a red mist.
“Wait,” I said, holding up one finger. “One last question: I don’t see any belly on me yet, so this is this going to start up when I wake up or sometime later in the week or what? I need to set my schedule to this thing.”
The figure snapped one of its gross fingers before completely disappearing and my stomach suddenly swelled out, stretching my baggy maternity pajamas out to just about their max.
“Me and my big mouth,” I groaned, turning off the lamp and putting my glasses on the dresser before sliding back into bed and trying to get comfortable with my latest pregnant belly. At least I had one or two nights of non-pregnant sleep before this.
I was just putting on a jacket and rolling my sweater over my belly when my phone buzzed on the kitchen counter. “Hi Rachel.”
“Hey Angie,” Rachel replied. “How’s it going?”
“Eh, okay. Vacation’s over,” I said, looking down at my belly.
I could hear Rachel sigh on the other end. “Well, if you still want to, I was checking that we’re having lunch today at noon.”
“Oh yeah, I’m still fine with that,” I said with a little laugh. “Believe me, nothing new over here. See you then.”
“See you then,” Rachel said. I hung up and put my phone into my pocket, grabbed my purse, and waddled out the door. I’m getting to be a real pro at waddling. It’s almost like a regular walk for me. This particular pregnancy is within an easily manageable size. At least for now. I’m starting off looking and feeling like I’m about eight months pregnant, so in four or five months, things will definitely be harder. Nothing I haven’t been through already, though.
I wait patiently at the bus stop, blowing on my hands to keep them warm. I didn’t expect it to be cold enough for gloves already. I thought one of the bright sides to carrying a demon pregnancy was that I’d stay warm, but no such luck today it seems. Not that that’s a bad thing. In the past…I don’t know how many demon pregnancies I’ve had, I’ve had all sorts of accidents like the office water cooler boiling, papers burning up in my hand, sudden cravings for raw meat and blood.
At least these demon babies stay relatively still. Every alien pregnancy I’ve had has so much commotion and sloshing around inside me. It’s enough to make me seasick.
The bus pulls up and I walk on, the bus driver giving me an obvious annoyed look. I think he expects that I wear a fake belly to get people to give me their seats. I don’t blame him. I’ve looked full-term pregnant on-again-off-again for about the past three years now.
All of the seats are full and no one seems eager to give up their seat for me. I let out a little sigh from my nose and hold onto the railing just above my head. The bus starts moving forward and the kid starts fidgeting around inside me. I hesitate to rub because it feels too…familiar for the first day with this thing inside me, but it’s really the only way to try and quiet them down. Not that it always works.
Sitting in front of me is, as luck would have it, another pregnant woman. She looks about as big as me and is obviously a few decades older. She gives me a once-over and wraps her arms a little tighter around her stomach. Thinking back, she looks kind of familiar and she must have the same thoughts as the bus driver. I can’t blame her: she has a “real” pregnancy, working eight or so months to get her own child up to this point.
Weird, carrying your own child. I’ve never thought of any of these pregnancies over the past few years as my own because, well, they weren’t. Not that I’m in any rush to have kids yet.
I finally get to my stop and take the elevator up to my office, getting a few looks from the others as I waddle to my desk. Barry, our HR guy, clearly sees me on the other end of the office and hangs his head, walking over slowly after grabbing some papers from his desk.
“Hello Angelina,” Barry said in a monotone, looking over his forms. “So, what’ll it be this time? Any insurance changes? Time off? Should we expect any outbursts from you?”
“Just make sure the sprinklers don’t go off in the whole building when there’s a fire again,” I said with a little grin. “A precaution.”
“Right, a precaution,” Barry grumbled, putting a form on my desk. “Just fill out sections two and three.”
“You got it, Barry,” I said in a faux-sunny voice, marking down my pertinent information before handing it back. “Shouldn’t you get used to this by now?”
“Hmph,” Barry huffed, turning around and heading back to his office. To keep within insurance guidelines, employees have to note when they or their partner get pregnant. So as you can imagine, I’ve been a bit of a handful for ol’ Barry. At least I don’t typically need any kind of medical care to go along with these. Magical pregnancies, alien pregnancies, weird science pregnancies. All pretty low-maintenance.
“Angie, you’ve got a neighbor,” Annette, the editor-in-chief and my boss, said, walking up to my desk with a guy next to her. “This is Jean. He transferred from the sales department in one of our bureau offices. Make him feel at home.”
“You got it,” I said, heaving myself out of my chair to greet Jean, reaching one hand out to him. He’s clearly more focused on my belly than my hand or any other part of me, but he moves his eyes up to mine quickly enough that I can forgive him. “Hi, I’m Angie. How long have you been with the magazine?”
“Two years,” he said, clearing his throat multiple times.
“Alright, then you know your way around sales pretty well. Doing it in the main office isn’t too different and the business director will fill you in on anything additional you need to know.” I looked around the office while getting a few annoying kicks to see how busy the place is. “I can give you a quick tour of the place, if you want.”
“Sure,” Jean said, moving out of the way and giving me plenty of room as I walked out of my cubicle to show him around. I only did one circle around the place, trying to stay off my feet as much as I could. I may have three years of experience with big pregnant bellies, but they’re still heavy.
“This is all the writer’s wing, there’s the editor’s officers for each section, there’s IT and the computer banks are back there, and finally we have the break room,” I said, leaning against the break room wall and taking a few deep breaths. “The coffee here is surprisingly good, I’m told. I try to stay away from caffeine when I’m pregnant. It gives me indigestion.”
“W-when?” Jean said, clearing his throat to try and disguise his question. I chuckle a little and stretch my back out, trying to relieve some of the weight of the prince of blood or whatever he’s called.
“One more important office detail,” I said, resting one hand on my belly. “I have some, let’s say, unusual pregnancy symptoms sometimes, but don’t freak out when they happen. It’s totally natural.”
At that moment, my body was suddenly engulfed in intense, red flames. I felt some heat, but it wasn’t extreme at all. The fire vanished as quickly as it came and the clothing I came into work with was gone. In its place, I had on a steel bikini, with large spikes sticking out of the “breast plate,” gauntlets with long, sharp claws, and shin guards that ran up my bare legs like stockings. Looking at my reflection in the toaster, I had on a silver tiara with a scowling skull on the front and jet black eyeliner.
“T-this is natural?” Jean asked, his eyes bugged out and seemingly stuck there.
“I’ll be honest, this is a new one to me,” I sighed, looking myself over. “But yeah, this is natural.”
Luckily, later in the day I was consumed by hellfire again and I got my clothes back, just in time to meet Rachel for lunch. As I walked up to her, already seated at the outdoor café, she saw me and stood up, a sympathetic smile on her face.
“There it is again,” Rachel said, walking over and giving me a tight hug.
“Nothing we’re not already used to,” I said, pulling a chair back and sitting down, adjusting myself to fit my belly into the small space.
“Every time I see you without a belly, I hope that it’s finally the last time for you,” Rachel sighed, sitting down beside me. “So what is it this time? Aliens? Ancient artifact?”
“Some sort of demon royalty,” I said, shifting as the child in question gave me a sharp punch in the bladder. “They’re always a handful.” The waiter walked over and got our orders. “Two hambuger patties, rare please.”
“Patties…so no bun, no lettuce, no sauce?” the waiter asked.
“You got it,” I smiled back, rubbing the side of my belly as he left. Rachel was looking back at me sadly. “Hey, I don’t dictate the cravings. The kid wants bloody meat.”
“I just don’t understand it,” Rachel said, shaking her head. “Three years straight. And there’s no link between these pregnancies? You’re not be recommended or anything?”
“What, like my womb’s on Yelp?” I said, raising one eyebrow as I sipped my water. “‘Good for supernatural pregnancies, but grumpy. 4/5 stars!’”
“I don’t know what else it could be,” Rachel said, her voice sounding more agitated. Rachel was always more concerned about my unconventional pregnancies than I gave off. She’s a good friend but she can worry too much sometimes. “This can’t all just be bad luck.”
“I think that’s exactly what it is,” I smiled back. “Like…how does John McClane keep ending up in just the right place and the right time to be the hero of a big action rescue? That’s just the way things are. Big dumb action is drawn to Die Hard Man and bizarre pregnancies are drawn to me.”
“Can’t you at least be careful not to walk into too many of these sorts of things?” Rachel asked. “You can be kind of…cavalier sometimes.”
“Which reminds me,” I said, reaching into my back pocket, much tighter and harder to get into thanks to the various swelling this pregnancy has caused. “I got a letter from my OB/GYN and he wants me to be part of a drug trial in a few months. He assured me that there won’t be any risk. It’s got a pretty slim chance of working and I’ll get paid for participating.”
“That’s what they said last time,” Rachel sighed, putting her hand in her chin. “Can’t you just not go?”
“What’s the worse that could happen?” I laughed. “I’d get pregnant? I can handle it.”
“I wish I could…take one of them for you,” Rachel said quietly. “You deserve a break.”
I laughed even louder. “You’re sweet, Rachel, but I’m fine. And to be honest, you’re a little too frail to take one of my pregnancies. I can breeze through them now because I’m well weathered. You’d be ready to quit after one day.”
Rachel narrowed her eyes, a little grin forming. “I’d say I’ll take you up on it, but I’m not sure how we’d really test this.”
“We won’t,” I smiled as the waiter brought our food out. “Be grateful.”
The first time I got pregnant was right after I graduated college. Literally the day after graduation. I was looking for work and had carved out a solid resume for myself while I’d been in school, but I wasn’t totally looking forward to starting working yet. I guess it’s lucky that I got a few months off thanks to the aliens.
I was back at my childhood home, living with my parents after classes ended, coming out of a bad dream. I didn’t remember the dream too well; bright, harsh lights, weird sounds, the sensation of being operated on.
When I woke up, I was a few feet off of the bed, slowly levitating, getting closer and closer to the bed. It’s not something I thought about until the next morning when I felt my belly and saw that I had some obvious bloating. There had to be some connection.
Initially, I was terrified. My parents tried to keep me calm and once the ultrasound technician at the local women’s clinic showed us that what was inside my belly wasn’t exactly “human,” they let me stay at home and didn’t pressure me to find a job until the…alien fetus was gone.
I got used to growing at unnatural speeds after the first few weeks. Well, “unnatural” isn’t a very fair way to describe it. For whatever species that thing was, four months may have been a very natural gestation period. After month one, I looked eight months pregnant. Month two, full term with twins.
By that point, I started getting more comfortable with my body. I managed to get some clothes that fit well and I even spent times around the house with my bare belly out. I’m an only child so my mom was nearly as fascinated and confused by my pregnancy as I was. After all, she was over 20 years removed from having to live with a big belly in the house. Still, it wasn’t like she was feeling my belly at all or encouraging me to take pictures.
That’s where Rachel came in. She was in shambles when she found out and had me hang out with her as much as I could, pampering me and making sure I was well taken care of. Once I might have made an off-handed comment about how rubbing my belly made it feel less tight and uncomfortable, so Rachel was constantly rubbing and stroking my bulge, asking if everything felt alright.
The alien fetus was, for lack of a better word, tentacley. And around month #2 was when I could really start to feel it, rolling and sloshing around in there. I could literally hear sloshing sometimes, which only got louder as it got bigger. And thanks to its tentacles, I could feel its “kicks” on all sides of my belly at once. I can’t say I liked it too much. Carrying an alien baby also made me crave briny foods and drinks. I hid my pickle juice habit from my parents, but whenever I was at Rachel’s, she already had a chilled thermos for me and asked if I needed anything else.
Month #3 curbed my time outside the house substantially. I could no longer find clothes to cover my belly and my pants were relegated to sweatpants most of the time and no pants the rest of the time. If I sat on my knees, my belly’s size kept me sitting straight up, resting my hands on my table-like belly. I was increasingly thankful for Rachel’s belly rubs, as I didn’t feel comfortable feeling my swollen womb as it carried such a bizarre, messy creature.
For all of month #4, I lived in Rachel’s apartment. I guess you could call it “maternal instinct,” but I could tell that this would be the final month and I wanted to focus on getting a job and that was hard to do with my parents around. They knew my incubating an alien wasn’t my fault but they still couldn’t bare to look at their daughter with a pregnant belly, even when it was at normal human sizes. By month #4, I could hardly fit through most doorways.
That’s why I chose to stay at Rachel’s instead. It was easier than struggling to go visit her every day and she treated me much better than my parents were. It was a nice chance of pace after the past three months with my mother’s worried looks and my father’s reluctance to even look at me.
Getting a good night’s sleep was near impossible, though. Rachel gave me her bed (of course) and slept on her couch, but Rachel had the typical hipster girl habit of sleeping on the smallest mattress possible. Sleeping on my side, my belly hung over the edge of the bed with a good 3-4 hovering in mid-air. And if my belly was that big, sleeping on my back was even harder. It was like a punch in the gut that never stopped. So I squeezed the pillows against the wall and back of the bed and sat upright, sleeping like I was on a bus or an airplane.
Rachel still found a way to squeeze herself into my bed sometimes so we could talk or watch Netflix together. My belly made for a good desk for that sort of thing. She fell asleep like that once, which left me amazed. I felt so uncomfortable, so I couldn’t imagine how she felt. And yet she was the one out like a light! I envied her ability to sleep easily.
One night I was awakened a little by a twinge of pain as my stomach and skin started to feel tight. I shifted a bit and stroked my belly to try and dull the uncomfortable feeling. I managed to fall back asleep but I didn’t get to rest much. I had strange dreams about bright lights and the pain growing stronger. When I woke up again, I was floating back down to my bed, this time with no belly.
Rachel didn’t let up on pampering me and making sure I was fine, which was fine with me. I felt like I had just gotten out of prison. Finally, I could walk around easily without an enormous belly and I could sleep normally without feeling squirming inside my womb. And on top of that, I had an interview scheduled a few days later, so I could go without a belly and scare away a potential employer.
We celebrated by new lack of motherhood by going around the city, including a trip to the local art museum. I have no idea why we went, but given how things have gone for me, I guess it was some sort of fate. Walking through an exhibit on ancient Mesopotamian art, the air conditioning in the building broke and a big gust of air came in, knocking over the tiny figurine I was looking at. It shattered on the museum floor and a weird white smoke came out and poured into my stomach until my belly swelled out like I was full term with twins. So much for going to the interview with a flat stomach.
A few months later I was able to find another old fertility goddess statue to make this magic whatsit flow back into the figurine instead of my womb. A few days after that, I tripped in the street and knocked over an old woman who cast a curse on me to make me pregnant with her reincarnation so she could be young again. Then nine months later, while trying to visit Rachel in her new apartment, I accidentally walked in on a cult ritual and became pregnant with the offspring of some old god. And a few months later, after giving birth to that kid, an accident at the local university fired a laser at me that made me pregnant. Et cetera, et cetera.
“Still feeling alright, Angie?” Jean said nervously as I waddled from my desk to the break room.
“Yeah, just slowing down a little in the last week,” I said, bending my knees to reach the water cooler. Jean instantly filled up a paper cup for me. “Thanks.”
“Of course,” Jean smiled, blushing. “But did you say the last week?”
“Feels like it,” I said, resting one hand on my belly. If I looked full term when this kid first showed up, five months in, I look overdue with twins. My belly is sticking out far over my pants, but I bought tops that would fit me at sizes bigger than this long ago. Still, it’s not a perfect fit and my belly button, now half-an-inch poked out, is clearly visible beneath the fabric.
“I thought maybe you’re just…always like this,” Jean said. I laughed and Jean chuckled back softly.
“I guess I kind of am,” I sighed, running my hands up and down the sides of my belly. The kicking and flailing has gotten much stronger lately.
“If it’s okay, I was waiting until after you had your baby to see if you’d like to go out to dinner with me,” Jean said. I turned slowly and looked him in the eye, not saying anything. “O-or something like that.”
“Dinner sounds great,” I smiled. “But you didn’t have to wait for me to give birth. It’s a bit of a lost effort, since I’ll end up with a belly like this again in a week or so.” Jean opened his mouth, his face clearly confused, but I cut him off by pressing my belly against him. “But I know that’s what you prefer,” I whispered deeply.
Jean’s whole face turned bright red and I laughed softly.
“Don’t worry, Jean. Does this Friday sound good for you?”
“Friday works great!” Jean choked out.
“Excellent, pick someplace good,” I smiled. “And I’ll even explain all of this to you,” I said, rubbing large circles around the front of my belly as sensually as I could. I’ve never exactly been “sexy” with my belly. Ironically, for the past three years that I’ve been pregnant, I haven’t gotten laid once. I hoped Jean would turn out to be a good guy so I could try again.
That night, Rachel hurried around my apartment, lighting candles and closing the blinds while I leaned against the sofa in my living room, swaying my hips back and forth slowly, taking in deep breaths. I was right in my prediction: today was the big day.
“Sure you don’t need anything else?” Rachel asked.
“Everything’s pretty much set,” I said, moving one hand to my belly. “It needs to be dark, aside from the fire. That’s what it ‘likes.’” I just had on a non-maternity tank top and my underwear, which led to lots of exposed belly, currently covered in a thin layer of sweat.
“Do you need me to do the usual things?” Rachel said, panic clearly in her voice, despite her being to at least two-thirds of my births, acting as my midwife for most of them.
“Yes, and we should start now,” I said, turning around and smiling. “It’s coming.”
Rachel sat on the sofa and wrapped her arms around me as I lay against her, spreading my legs and trying to point my birth canal “down” so I could let gravity do most of the work. After…I’ve lost track how many births it’s been now, but after doing this for a while, it’s not such hard work.
As I pushed, Rachel providing excellent support as always, there was a bright red glowing underneath me that vanished as soon as the baby came out. I let out a deep gasp when it was over, the demon prince or whatever this one was going back to wherever it came from. My belly was still a little bloated from pregnancy but that goes away pretty quickly with these supernatural births.
“Need to lie down?” Rachel asked quietly. I groaned out a reply and let Rachel walk me back to my bedroom, tucking me in and getting me a glass of water. I shut my eyes and drifted off to sleep easily, but I could feel Rachel standing in the doorway watching me for a long time before my consciousness left me.
“Just take one of these with water,” the doctor said, putting the pill in its tiny plastic bag in my palm. “We’ll have you come in again next week to see what its affects were, but if there’s any serious complications, please call us as soon as you can.”
“No problem,” I smiled, giving a sarcastic salute. I had a feeling there would be a complication, but not one that I would consider too serious.
“We’ve given this same drug to about 200 other women with absolutely no impact, but the research methodology is strict,” the doctor shrugged. “But you never know: you might be the only person this medication affects. But what are the odds?”
“My thoughts exactly,” I laughed, hopping off the examining table and walking back to the lobby. I was surprised to see Rachel standing there, waiting for me. “Rachel? Hey, what are you doing here?”
“Thought you might like a drive as opposed to a bus ride,” Rachel said, biting her lip. “And I also wanted to…pick up my test drug.” Rachel held up her own little bag, with the same pill in it. I took her by the arm and walked her aside.
“Rachel, what are you doing?” I whispered. “You don’t need to follow me around like this. I know what this will likely do to me and it’s fine. I’ve accepted that this is my life now.”
Rachel clenched her fist. “It’s not fair that this only happens to you. I want you to have someone to share the burden with.” She started to shake slightly, which just made me sigh and smile, wrapping her up in a big hug.
“Alright, alright,” I laughed. “I’m not mad with you. This is really sweet.” I looked into her eyes. “Let’s go to your apartment and get this over with, okay?”
“Okay,” Rachel smiled, wiping an errant tear out of her eye. Back at her apartment, we each had a bottle of water in one hand with the pill in the other.
“An experimental fertility drug that hasn’t worked on anyone else,” I said, rolling my eyes. “Wonder what’ll happen?” Right before I put the pill on my tongue, Rachel stopped me.
“Wait!” she said, blushing. “Let’s…let’s switch. If you’re right, that pill will make you pregnant and mine will do nothing. You deserve a break.”
I thought about it for a second and reached over to take Rachel’s pill, giving her mind in exchange. “What the hell?” I laughed, taking the drug and washing it down. “Jean will be disappointed, though.”
Rachel giggled as she took my pill, washing it down as well, as I clutched my stomach. Immediately, my belly swelled out, making me regret I didn’t change into a baggier top when I got home. My bare, smooth pregnant flesh was one display and I could clearly feel three distinct forms shifting around inside me. I stumbled with the sudden weight, pushing both hands on my back to support my new, huge pregnant belly.
“I guess that didn’t w-” Rachel began to say, groaning as her breasts began to swell, pushing her shirt further and further out until her bra and top both ripped, her enormous watermelon breasts hanging down, barely covered by the tatters of her top.
I looked over her a little, running my hands over my belly slowly. “Well, I’m glad you made me switch,” I smiled. “I’d look ridiculous like that.”
